I Still
by KyrielF
Summary: [SawyerKate] But he tried hard not to remember the worst of it. All he wanted to remember was that at one point, she was in love with him too. Not Jack. Him. She had loved him, and she had told him, too, and that had been the happiest moment in his life.


**Disclaimer: **Don't own Lost or any of it's characters. Plus, suing me would be pointless, man… I'm broke. ;)

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**I Still**

Sawyer lay alone in his bed, welcoming yet another sleepless night. He was used to them by now, though he could hardly wait for that one night when he could finally rid himself of those dreams. He still dreamt of her, still dreamt of her smell, her laugh, her smile, and couldn't stop dreaming even though he knew that what they had was over. It was all over.

_Who are you now?  
Are you still the same  
Or did you change somehow?  
What do you do  
At this very moment when I think of you?_

Sometimes he wished they had never been rescued from that god-forsaken island. Of course, he still had always known in the back of his mind that she'd never have picked him anyway. Not when she had Jack. Not when she had a chance of a future with Jack. And what did Sawyer have? Sure, he had tons of money stashed away from his "old job", but other than that he had nothing. No life, no friends, no more job – he'd sworn never to do that again.

He tossed and turned in his comfortable bed, in his comfortable apartment that sat in the heart of downtown Burbank. He missed her. He'd never been in love before her, and he could see why people said that love was the best thing that could ever happen in a person's life… and the worst. But he tried hard not to remember the worst of it. All he wanted to remember was that at one point, she was in love with him too. Not Jack. Him. She had loved him, and she had told him, too, and that had been the happiest moment in his life.

_And when I'm looking back  
How we were young and stupid  
Do you remember that?_

Sawyer hated when his mind traveled back to her. It had been three whole months, and still he couldn't think of anything else not matter how hard he tried. It wasn't fair. He knew for a fact that she wasn't thinking about him. How could she, when she was probably tucked under a satin bed sheet next to the man he loved to hate and was entirely jealous of in every single way.

_No matter how I fight it  
Can't deny it  
Just can't let you go_

He could still feel her presence, though it had been a long time since he'd been in its company. His memories suffocated him, and the more he thought about them, the more he drowned. The worst part was he blamed himself. At first he thought he could just blame Jack. It was all Jack's fault. But he couldn't suppress his own guilt. It was his fault. Loving someone was just so uncharacteristic of him that he didn't know how to handle it. But now that she was gone… Now that she was no longer in his arms, all he wanted was to be uncharacteristic. He could handle it now. He needed it now.

_I still need you  
I still care about you  
Though everything's been said and done  
I still feel you  
Like I'm right beside you  
But still no word from you_

Was moving on this hard for everyone? He'd known people who'd had their hearts broken and just sat by and laughed. Laughed at those poor fools who did a stupid thing like fall in love only to get their hearts broken. But now that he'd done it… Now that he was the fool… Now he knew how it felt. He knew how great love was, and how painful love was. And he couldn't let go of it. He wanted to but he couldn't. There was just something about her that tore him up inside and he couldn't – wouldn't let go.

_Now that you're gone  
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see  
And I keep coming back  
And I'm stuck in a moment  
That wasn't meant to last_

_I try to fight it  
Can't deny it  
You don't even know _

That I still need you  
I still care about you  
Though everything's been said and done  
I still feel you  
Like I'm right beside you  
But still no word from you

Sawyer wondered if she even remembered he existed. When they exchanged numbers and addresses, was it for real? Did she actually care to know? If she did, where the fuck was she now? Why the hell hadn't she called? Should he call her?

_Wish I could find you  
Just like I found you then  
Then I would never let you go_

A knock at his door sprung Sawyer from his thoughts. It had been raining… He wasn't sure how he'd failed to register that. He rolled out of bed, making his way through the dark apartment to the door, twisting the doorknob and pulling it open with ease – he was never ready for this.

And yet, there she was. Rain-soaked and sobbing apologies and regrets. He said nothing, did nothing but wrap his arms around her in a tight embrace, kissed the top of her head and told her everything was okay and would be alright and I'm sorry.

_Though everything's been said and done  
I still feel you  
Like I'm right beside you  
But still no word from you_

When Sawyer awoke, he was alone, like he'd been in the first place. He wanted to die. She was there, he had known it. He had held her, kissed her, told her everything. It wasn't fair. He hated his life. He hated himself. He hated those goddamned _dreams_.

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**A/N: **Just a quick little fic 'cause I'm stuck on the third chapter of 'It's An Illusion'. Don't worry, that'll be up soon. I've just been having a stressful week... ((sigh)) Leave me a review. It'll make me happy. :D


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